All Penises Large, Science Proves

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Child eating a sausage

New research from Swedish sexologists Klaus and Bjorne Umlaut may finally put to rest an anxiety that has plagued society since the early 1970’s. Sociologically Originated Fear of Tininess is a culture bound syndrome that leads men to focus on their perceived inadequacies. A fear doctors now say is unfounded.

Research published by the Scandanavian team in this months issue of the journal Nature, which applies ground breaking survey methodologies to the estimation of cumberland dimension, seems to indicate men have nothing to worry about.

“It looks like de average ist anything from sechs und ein half to sieben und drei quarter inchen,” Dr Klaus Umlaut told a packed – and it has to be said, relieved press conference in the Swedish capitol Hurdigurdy.

“Previous studies relied on invasive techniques which necessitated actually handling der snitzel,” added Dr Bjorne Umlaut, no relation. “Our work, by contrast, has employed a more ethnographically valid measure.”

The team’s approach is indeed radical, requiring absolutely no physical measurements. By collating oral reports given to a female confederate at a local wine bar, the scientists believe they have come closer than ever to accurately estimating man’s pride.

The sexologists have developed a variety of convincing explanations for previously recorded erectile extension disparities. Hypotheses include ‘it was extremely cold’, ‘wasn’t in the mood’, ‘big legs’, ‘poor lighting’ and of course ‘abnormally wide vaginas’.

Women everywhere have reacted with pleased incredulity to the news, acknowledging that actually it did matter, and “looking forward to finally feeling something more than a vaguely unpleasant warmth down there”.

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