Doctor Scientist Defeats: Heartbreak

Jesus Notes: I’ve written what may be the worlds nerdiest joke. A joke so dweebish, it was necessary to learn the mathematical scripting language Latex in order to tell it. There follows the joke.

Renowned expert Doctor Scientist has developed a methodology to precisely calculate the duration required to return to a base level of existential agony after the collapse of a long term relationship. Here it is, the sum henceforth to be known as Doctor Scientist’s Achy Breaky Equation.


Which is to say that likely time required for psychosexual mourning is equal to relationship duration L, divided by a constant G, divided amount of previous long term relationships previously endured P, minus a binary D, defined as the the truth value of the statement ‘I was dumped’; multiplied by the sum of partner deviations from the established boundaries of relationship fidelity CP, divided by the sum of ones own infractions C; where G varies depending on the gender to which the equation is applied, G = 3 for men, G = 6 for women.

With this simple equation, doctors can accurately prescribe the requisite levels of antidepressants and or institutional supervision necessary to ride out the period (roughly T / 3) till the consumption of non icecream based foods can be safely resumed.


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