Hot on the heels of the paper of record’s sterling electoral journalism, and just in time for the tail end of today’s Irish local elections, we here at Marshmallow Ladyboy Jesus have compiled a comprehensive list of the five smarmiest candidates standing in the local, European and national by-elections.
Certain threads run through the posters this year. The Shinners look young, pretty and hard working – salt of the earth types, who if called to action could certainly find the business end of an Armalite AR-18 gas operated, selective fire assault rifle.
The Greens with their unkempt hair and poor dental hygiene, have evolved little from their woolly forebears, the environmental activists of yesteryear.
Without further ado, we present the Marshmallow Ladyboy Jesus Election 2009, Smug Mug list!
Reason for exclusion – he must suffer through the indignity of being related to this ‘man’.
Eoin ‘Chad’ Ryan
Reason for exclusion – the poor man looks like a sex criminal.
No 5 – Paschal Donohoe
Fine Gael, Dublin Central. After a critically acclaimed early career as the pointy eared duke at his primary school production of Nospheratu, Donohue has risen to prominence as a ‘human doll’ for men’s cosmetics.
No 4 – Proinsias De Rossa
No 3 – Shay Brennan
Subliterate Fine Gael foetus and son of a dead man, Shay Brennan or ‘Shady Shay’ as he’s probably known, is crouching in the Dublin South “bye election”. This prince amongst men hopes to follow in the footsteps of translucent politicos from Robin Cook to Ronald Regan.
No 2 – Dan Boyle
Green candidate for the European Parliament, Dan Boyle, from the tip of his finely sculpted triple chin, to the chill tint of his half rim glasses, has a face that bellows ‘money’. With his magnificent electric blue tie, smooth pampered cheeks and tailored suit, he’s a man who can be trusted in any restaurant emergency. Dan’s special talent is being a cousin of ‘hairy angel‘ Susan Boyle. If elected, Boyle promises to ‘to walk lightly on the earth as its other creatures do’, fat chance.
No 1 – James Carey
He’s James Carey on the ballot, Jimmy Carey on the poster, but whatever you call him he’s a maverick. This East Meath Independent has a face that says ‘Introduce me to your mother, then leave us to it’. At just twelve and a half, Jimmy is the youngest candidate in this years elections, but that hasn’t preventing him swimming like the furious little tadpole he is, to the top of our rankings. Congratulations Mr. Carey, you are officially the Marshmallow Ladyboy Jesus Smuggest Political Mug in Ireland, 2009!
Amusing Fact: Little Jimmy was recently charged by Gardai for an ancient offence (we at Ladyboy Jesus can imagine the pain, we’ve got a few of those rattling around in our closets), worse still the boys in blue turned “shooting at a lady’s bum with a pellet gun to very serious charges including firearms offeces and serious assault”. Dems the worst kind of ‘offeces’. For shame!