Election Special: Top Five Smug Mugs

gravey

Hot on the heels of the paper of record’s sterling electoral journalism, and just in time for the tail end of today’s Irish local elections, we here at Marshmallow Ladyboy Jesus have compiled a comprehensive list of the five smarmiest candidates standing in the local, European and national by-elections.

sinn_feinCertain threads run through the posters this year. The Shinners look young, pretty and hard working – salt of the earth types, who if called to action could certainly find the business end of an Armalite AR-18 gas operated, selective fire assault rifle.

labour_manThe Labour stalwart (a typical example pictured left), by contrast appears dignified, committed, occasionally glamorous, and effortlessly beneficent to his gardeners, chauffeurs and chiropractors.

The Greens with their unkempt hair and poor dental hygiene, have evolved little from their woolly forebears, the environmental activists of yesteryear.

While the Tribe of the Irish and the Soldiers of fail can do little to differentiate their bucolic, vaguely threatening, dipso mugs.

Without further ado, we present the Marshmallow Ladyboy Jesus Election 2009, Smug Mug list!

Honourable Mentions

Garrett Tubrity

runner_up_garrett_tubridyReason for exclusion – he must suffer through the indignity of being related to this ‘man’.

Eoin ‘Chad’ Ryan

eoin_ryan_runner_up

Reason for exclusion – the poor man looks like a sex criminal.

Winners

No 5 – Paschal Donohoe

Image by Infomatique, available under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license.

pascal

Fine Gael, Dublin Central. After a critically acclaimed early career as the pointy eared duke at his primary school production of Nospheratu, Donohue has risen to prominence as a ‘human doll’ for men’s cosmetics.

No 4 – Proinsias De Rossa

de-rossa

Frank Rose, Labour stalwart and returning MEP candidate is a man with ‘blood on his hands‘. Though a known street brawler, he is absolutely not a terrorist.

No 3 – Shay Brennan

shay_brennan

Subliterate Fine Gael foetus and son of a dead man, Shay Brennan or ‘Shady Shay’ as he’s probably known, is crouching in the Dublin South “bye election”. This prince amongst men hopes to follow in the footsteps of translucent politicos from Robin Cook to Ronald Regan.

No 2 – Dan Boyle

dan_boyle

Green candidate for the European Parliament, Dan Boyle, from the tip of his finely sculpted triple chin, to the chill tint of his half rim glasses, has a face that bellows ‘money’. With his magnificent electric blue tie, smooth pampered cheeks and tailored suit, he’s a man who can be trusted in any restaurant emergency. Dan’s special talent is being a cousin of ‘hairy angel‘ Susan Boyle. If elected, Boyle promises to ‘to walk lightly on the earth as its other creatures do’, fat chance.

No 1 – James Carey

carey

He’s James Carey on the ballot, Jimmy Carey on the poster, but whatever you call him he’s a maverick. This East Meath Independent has a face that says ‘Introduce me to your mother, then leave us to it’. At just twelve and a half, Jimmy is the youngest candidate in this years elections, but that hasn’t preventing him swimming like the furious little tadpole he is, to the top of our rankings. Congratulations Mr. Carey, you are officially the Marshmallow Ladyboy Jesus Smuggest Political Mug in Ireland, 2009!

Amusing Fact: Little Jimmy was recently charged by Gardai for an ancient offence (we at Ladyboy Jesus can imagine the pain, we’ve got a few of those rattling around in our closets), worse still the boys in blue turned “shooting at a lady’s bum with a pellet gun to very serious charges including firearms offeces and serious assault”. Dems the worst kind of ‘offeces’. For shame!

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7 thoughts on “Election Special: Top Five Smug Mugs

  1. Pity you forgot to mention the shear volume of Trinity based pond scum who are involved with Tubrity’s campaign. Also, keeping in the TCD vein, Noel Rock, brother of curly haired asscandle Bartley, is also running for election.

  2. Jesus wishes he could lay into such scum fucks, but Ireland’s fascistic defamation laws make it difficult!

    Didn’t realise Noel was Bartley’s brother. Unsurprised.

  3. James Carey is a legend. He will be the Prime Minister one day. I heard the ass he shot was virtually unmissable in size anyway! Roll on Mr. Carey. You were SO CLOSE to winning your very first election as an independent, no less! No party support, total state abuse of power and malice and you STILL nearly won! Congratulations, my friend ! One of your thousands of supporters in Meath.

  4. Your site was relayed to me by James Carey. I commented on his Facebook page as follows:

    James,
    Just clicked on your “Marshmallow Ladyboy Jesus”. Fiction is often closer to the truth than the truth is to reality..
    We do try to keep them guessing but fidelity to the Mammies won’t allow us to reveal the true depravity of our Clerky Class upbringing, or maybe it’s just our true depravity unmasked with a convenient excuse attached.
    Oh well less than 30 years to go till I collect the morgue tag, assuming the law of averages apply.
    “Blue Velvet” was too straight laced it’s the “Green Velvet”, that really maxes out on the weird factor. Excellently scripted stuff. Best thing since Fr. Ted
    Thanks I’ll share that… a laugh worth waiting for.

    After dignity there is also “undignity”, and it works too..
    A hilarious review of some of last years political contenders, just brought to may attention.

  5. Young James Carey will be the Prime Minister of the Republic of Ireland before we know it. Perhaps he can steer us out of this recession?

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