Ladyboy Jesus’s Guide to Hip Music

Are you tired of wiping spit off your face? Tired of simultaneously trying to work out if you can claim it as a kiss whilst wondering what caused such offence? To answer your first question, no you can’t, the exchange of bodily fluid was very much a one way transaction.

To answer your second question, it is no longer acceptable not to care about music. If you want to be cool, you have to at least fake an opinion about music. Mostly, a roll of the eyes and a shrug will do. When trapped and forced to provide more detail, “I only really liked their early work” used to suffice. However, since neophillia became de rigueur, most hip bands won’t have been formed long enough for the members to be first name terms let alone put out anything as permanent as an album.

Never the less, here are some who have gotten far enough to actually ‘lay down’ a recording, along with some opinions for you to claim as your own:

Animal Collective


Do say: “I really appreciate their recent efforts, you can really hear Panda Bear asserting his infulence…”

Don’t say: “What’s the big deal, they’re wannabe hippies who sound like they were brought up by parents who owned a single Beach Boys record…”

Girl Talk

Do say: “He’s at the forefront of a movement of mash-up culture and copy-fighters. He’s the first truly 20th Century artist, a post-post-modern hero for our time…”

Don’t say: “He’s a sweaty middle class hipster, getting rich from the hackish exploitation of the work of older, more established artists. Kill him Ulrich!”

Blitzen Trapper

Do Say: “Claiming the folk-rock genre as their own, they’re this years Fleet Foxes…”

Don’t say: “They sound like Travis covering the Fleet Foxes”

Lady Gaga

Do say: “She’s a post-modern Madonna, gleefully subverting pop and pop culture, reinventing it in her own unique image.”

Don’t say: “She’s a trivial shill, gleefully enriching herself and her corporate pimps by promoting a body image so far removed from any basic standard of decency or self respect that it will do untold damage to the very fabric of civilisation.”

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