Don’t fall prey to the recession blues. There are jobs out there for every graduate – fulfilling, ethical, creative jobs; and Marshmallow Ladyboy Jesus will help you find them. We’ve contacted seventy leading recruitment specialists, and a bevy of top employers culled from the Sunday Times ‘Best Companies to Work For’ list, to bring you a flavour of the jobs that await you on graduation.
Are you a creative, original thinker? Do you write short stories, poetry and political analysis for college publications? Do you harbour ambitions of being a journalist, while releasing the occasional critically acclaimed novel about sensitive, alienated young Irish people? Then you’ll love marketing. As a valuable member of Hait D’Eeur Life, you’ll contribute to a vibrant and dynamic team, with opportunities for rapid advancement to lower middle management.
Salary: Neg (ligable)
Requirements: First class honours degree in Arts or Social Sciences.
Experience: The ideal candidate will have published a variety of books, released an independent movie, and have eight years experience as part of a flexible, well oiled, obedient team.
Metaphysicist? Debator? Victor of Maidens and Maggies and intervarsity battles of mind and will? Have you risen through the ranks of the philosophical or historical societies to adopt a position of prestige and responsibility? Then you’ll love telesales. As a worthless, easily replaced member of our faceless workforce, you’ll apply the communication skills you’ve honed. You’ll speak to hundreds of new people each day, forming brief, intrinsically corrupt relationships, based on loathing and mistrust. You’ll come to despise the desperate monotony of your own voice, even as you ‘accidentally’ call girls you once fucked as they lay, probably at least partially conscious, on the committee room floor. Girls who never seem to recognise your voice. Girls who never ever remember your name.
Benefits: Relax, you can sit down for 9 hours a day
Remuneration: This is an unpaid internship. Note – our valued sales partners must cover all telephone expenses incurred while calling potential clients.
Requirements: MPhil or MSc with commendation. Candidates with only a primary degree may be considered, but will not get the jobs.
Are you a mathematical prodigy? Was your victory in the Young Scientist the first step on a path to a wide portfolio of patents, and a first in nanomedicine? Has your biotech startup folded due to the economic collapse of Western civilization? Then you’ll love Clerical Administration. Your organisational abilities will be indispensable in rearranging our filling system. Your time management skills will help make the most of our generous 15 minute lunch breaks and thirteen days off a year. You’ll be part of a tired defeated team of middle aged failures who will make jokes over after work pints about ‘Them Deefer bints ya rode in college’, only you won’t have, because your college experience was a blur of disease descriptions from Snell Clinical anatomy, empty Medafanil bottles, and tearful wanks. Once a year at the Christmas party, you will kiss a fat girl from accounting with a hair lip. You will die alone.
Benefits: The office ‘porn drive’.
Remuneration: Minimum wage, which will not cover the commute from your parents basement.
Requirements: Gold medal in final exams. References from eleven lecturers.
Unpaid trail period: 2 Years.
You are – a final year student with an advanced knowledge of GRID, mesh, and social networking; back end web technologies; compiler design; artificial intelligence; high and low level rendering languages; augmented reality; ubiquitous systems; computation modelling; multi-touch user interface design; and humaniform androids. We are – an 18% Irish owned business on an industrial estate in Muff. We have a computer designed and built for us in 1981 by a man in Kells. All of our vital records are stored on a special spool tape that works only with this computer. Your six year contract will entail converting our records warehouse to work with our new 5 1/4 inch floppy disk, Windows 3.11 server.
Other Duties: Tea making, sweeping factory floor, answering phone, driving boss’s car to mass.
Benefits: Clinical Depression
Remuneration: 14 Muff Shillings a month (must be spent in Muff).
Requirements: Former membership of Irish Computer Olympiad team. Must have authored at least two popular computer languages.
Travel and Tourism
2nd class degree or lower? Ineligible for the dole, since it’s means tested if you haven’t worked since college and your parents earn more than 13k a year? Are you a fun sociable person who actually managed to squeeze in a social life in college? Then you are perfect for The Streets. Sleep under the stars, free of masters (sic), unburdened by responsibility, hygiene or consumer goods. Make friends that will last you the rest of your life. Gain valuable skills huddling for warmth with urine soaked companions in soiled gutters, knife skills – remember you saw that almost new syringe first!, all seven forms of effective begging, including classic plaintiff wail, ‘kids at home’ sign making, and severed limb.
Benefits: Delicious hot Simon community soup, twice a month.
Requirements: No experience necessary, we are an equal opportunities employer.
Remuneration: Coupla coppers boss?
Degree in medicine, check! Six years spent head in the books, missing the college experience, with only your ER box sets and risqué physiology illustrations to keep you company, check! Lack the money to pay for a Mount Sinai PHD, check! Governments everywhere cutting back on health services, check, check, check! Then you’ll love Organ Donation. Your body is literally stuffed full of organs and thingamewhatsits, many of them vestigial or duplicated. Our dedicated, highly trained team will hold you down and cover your mouth as ‘Dr’ Ramorez cuts these pay packets out of you. You’ll want to keep consulting for us, when you discover our luxurious PH neutral ice-bath after-care, and your brand new morphine addiction. Don’t think you have enough organs to be viable? Kidneys shot from ‘Junior Dr’ shenanigans? Worry not, the field has advanced, even the most haggard student can provide an almost endless supply of bone marrow, retinas, corneas, brain matter, endrocrine glands and skin for grafts. Don’t call us, we’ll call on you!
Remuneration: Tell anyone what we did, and it will cost you dearly.
Requirements: Still beating heart, ideally undamaged.
Benefits: Saving lives. That career in helping others you always dreamt of. When we take your eyes, you won’t have to see Cowen win the next election.