Jesus Solves Your Problems: Prison

jesus1Given that many of our staff and readers will doubtless be serving lengthy prison terms in the near future, for non payment of 100 thousand euro blasphemy fines, this week Marshmallow Ladyboy Jesus thought it best to address the problems of those members of his infinite congregation serving, or preparing soon to serve at his majesty’s pleasure. On to your glorious problems.

I’ve recently been imprisoned for a minor crime that happened years ago, and sure they were asking for it anyway and half of them were thieves and the other half blaggards. As I’ll be spending my time in the part of prison known colloquially as the ‘nonce wing’, I’m worried about defending myself from ass pirates and other undesirables. Help me Marshmallow Lady Boy Jesus!

Perhaps Altered Enough to Do OK

shiv3Well PAEDO, sounds like you’re in for quite the ride. As you’ll be a prime target for retributive situational sexual assault, its probably a good idea to arm yourself immediately. You’ll want to whittle a device known variously as a Shank, Shiv, Tomahawk, Spike, Chib, Belly Dart or Cleopatra’s needle. There aren’t many metal tools lying around in prison (unless Whitesnake have toured recently lolz), but luckily you can make a shank from almost anything. Run the end of an ice lolly stick against a rough surface for a while, shiv! Bind some plexiglass with electrical tape, shiv, shiv! Slip some razorblades between the teeth of a comb, shiv, shiv, shiv! Have fun, and remember ‘the fish that kills becomes the fisherman’.

I’m imprisoned on an isolated island near the Pacific Ocean. Perhaps foolishly, us prisoners are allowed to wander the desolate coasts of our watery prison, and frequently collect flotsom and jipsom that has settled on the shore. Recently a large rubber vibrator washed up – a rare occurance indeed. I was lucky enough to find and repair it. Now I’m left with a quandry. Should I sell this valuable commodity, or use it to while away the lonely nights here on the barren prison rock?

Lucky Owner of Vibrating Evidence

dildoOh lucky day LOVE. If you play your cards right you can have the best of both worlds! Here’s what Jesus would do. Let it be known that you have this precious commodity, but only to a few select inmates. Get a bidding war going, and make sure you extract the maximum amount of smokes or kipper from the eventual purchaser. When the deal is done, wait a week. Then ‘backtax’ the mofo who was dumb enough to buy from you. Threaten to reveal his precious cargo if he doesn’t service your every need (Marshmallow Ladyboy Jesus can personally recommend the practise known as Salad tossing, see below). Its a win win. Provided you can avoid a thorough shanking, your new best friend will be forced to attend to your pleasure, lest his onanistic ways (and valuable purchase), become public knowledge.

Dear Marshmallow Lady BJ. I recently made the life altering misdecision to libel our wonderful minister Dermot Ahern. In a foolishly ill considered move I described the minister in a published article as ‘almost impenetrably stupid’ and went on to imply that his proposed blasphemy legislation was both ‘incomprehensibly moronic’, and ‘likely a simple minded distraction from the contents of a dubious defamation bill’. As a result of these worrisome actions I’ve been sentenced to eight hundred years in the humourously entitled Mountjoy prison. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Sentenced To An Inordinate Nightmarish Experience Disastrously

It seems STAINED, that you’ve landed yourself in a right pickle. The Ahern is a slow witted creature, but vicious when cornered. While neither I, my heavenly father, nor my ghostly fetid eructation of a brother are lawyers, and hence cannot advise you on a potential appeal; perhaps you’ve been granted a glorious opportunity to gain valuable relaxation and skills, at a time when our glorious nation is more economically pressed than ever. Take this time to learn Daoist meditation techniques, Alexander Technique, the poetry of Ovid.

Alternately, large anonymous deposits have been known to appeal to Aherns of all shapes and sizes. If your financial status permits, you might consider making a donation.

That’s all for now, get in touch with the Lady Boy if you need your problems reparated!

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