Literally millions of children are killed or mortally wounded on Ireland’s roads each year. Often, in a tragic twist of irony, by those who were once children themselves. A new
report by the Irish Society of the Prevention of Death, Cruelty and Other Such Misfortunes; has recommended a wardrobe full of changes to reduce, reuse and recycle this harvest of
carnage. Speaking to an invited audience of journalists and other reporters, Irish Minister of Improvements Timaous, Timás, Teimous O’Haulihan, Tim O’Sullivan, had this to say.
“Safety has always been a priority for this government, particularly the safety of children. Specifically cute children. The kind of kids any one of us might like to imagine burping,
or reading a story to, or kissing away their little boo boos. Obviously we hope that unattractive children survive too, but let’s face it, they’re unlikely to get any prettier and if someone has to die it might as well be them.”
The ISFTPODCAOSM plan calls for the creation of a new body to consider the shape and pattern of Irish roads, some of which are very bendy indeed. The report also recommends
a number of simple ways in which Irish road users can decrease fatalities, and beat the rap should one occur.
1. Slow down as you pass drivers approaching from the opposite direction – roll down your window and ask about hazards ahead. Don’t be rude, trade a few plesantries about the wife,
job and weather. In time you may become friends.
2. Make your car as dull and unremarkable as possible. Children like sparkly things, and will often crawl towards them when playing on the road.
3. If you do see a child approaching at speed, steer around it. Most collisions can be avoided if the objects involved never strike one another.
4. Always ask yourself, is that an articulated lorry ahead? Or an enormous truck shaped child? Either way, avoid.
5. At all times, know where your children are. This will help identify them in the event of a fatal collision which rips off their face.
With a little luck, and a great deal of care, we can work to make Ireland’s roads safe for our children, our children’s children, their children and perhaps even the children of our children’s children’s children. Just so long as they’re pretty.