Nothing against gingers personally, poor things can’t help the way they were born. It’d be callous to suggest they’re defective, and sheer cruelty to remark they’re not quite proper human.

The first gingers emerged somewhere in the highlands about four thousand B.C., when dendrochronological records indicate that spreading glaciers forced their ancestors to rely on a diet of mole feces for almost twelve generations. Eventually crops and livestock recovered, but not before irreparable damaged had been done to the ginger genome, a glowing mendelian blight on the scalp of humanity.

Naturally disgusted by the sight of one another, and the strange albino children that resulted when they foolishly bred true, Gingerous Inferiors spread out alone or in small packs around bronze age Europe and Hibernia, capturing homosapiens for meat and the bearing of strange auburn halflings.

With their almost translucent skin and straw like fronds of flaming hair, gingers were ill suited to the brighter, warmer climes of Southern Europe, and found their niche in chilly damp rocky areas like the West coast of what today is Ireland. As time passed, local people took pity on the monsters in their midst, and
took pains to teach gingers the basic requirements of social interaction – hygiene, vertical locomotion, a few primitive grunts – and gingers began to be actively tolerated in society.

A high point came when Elizabeth the 1st, long a campaigner for recognition of the special rights and needs of the ginge, dyed her flowing locks in solidarity. To this day, scurrilous rumours persist that the ’virgin’ queen had found a mate amongst the beasts, deriving some unholy pleasure from their ghoulish secret

During the first world war, gingers served with honour as specially commissioned batsmen, or ’batties’.
Their unique abilities were used to good effect as messengers. On bright days their tawny hides were almost invisible against the pale skies of Flanders and if caught, their ghostly wheezing speech proved incomprehensible to the enemy.

Today the ginger is an accepted part of modern life. His grotesque defects politely ignored, his palms shorn of their distinct furry tufts, he is a fully recognised member of society. Indeed some gingers treated early by chemical means or intensive cognitive behavioral therapy, have found success in the world of entertainment.

Although we may feel a twinge of guilt at our enjoyment of their <a href=”playful antics, we must remember that unlike their sideshow forebears, such performers are treated gently, and with great pity.


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