Special Correspondent: Fiona Doyle

Location: The Heart of the Violence!!

Note: For a less fictional account of todays events, go here.

Today at approximately midday, Dublin City Centre became the scene of a swarm of violent protesting angry Northern Irish men, and some ladies too. Cars torched, O’Connell St closed off at 1pm, eye witness accounts describing local youths being chased by Gardai down Henry St. toward the spike. The spike pushed over (with a hearty roar of “Timbeeeerrrr”) leaving thousands of obnoxious stander’s by drowning in a sea of dirty blood and plasters.

Moore Street traders are cleaning up as illegal fireworks sales go through the roof, literally. Confused tourists are wandering around. One tourist was heard so say ‘What the f*ck?’.

Trinity college dwellers feel safe in their castle-like fortress building, although bomb-threats do stir outbreaks of student rage. Several students have scaled the walls for no apparent reason, setting up camp on the Arts Block rooftop and waving banners that say ‘Counting Down to Freshers Week’.

None of this madness would ever have happened if we just had robot police on flying skateboards. Dublin is the capital of Ireland. I like sweets. My Volvo has been burned out and thrown into the Liffey. St. Patricks Day is shaping up to be a real hoot!

One anonymous street urchin was heard to yokel “Get yer cider cans ready lads, hold ’em high ‘n fire ’em at anytin dat looks yella’ and flashy. Deadly buzz”

If you are planning your visit anytime soon, wear any clothing that matches this description to guarantee a hearty Irish welcome.