Jesus has recently been informed of the difficulties facing his altbros trying to maintain their brand integrity. Even UrbanBros can feel less real since Kanye made ‘project SceneBro’ mainstream. These days P4K is the new MTV, and Zane Lowe Billy Zane thinks it’s cool to dir3ct tweehop vids; it’s harder than ever to know just which products and services are most ’street’. Jesus, truly the original lo-cal bro-loving AltBro, despite his mainstream appeal, is here to solve your probz.

JZ US,
Major life conflict bro. Facing diffs reconciling my parental’s ‘Fat Change’ with the cash poor, thriftstore, ‘house’ parti lifestyle of my top twelve UberBros and babes. Feel I’m showing off when I bring Diplo 2 a loft happening, or wear my mos sweet Viv West skort to clubz.

Righteous, Infinitely Cashed Homez

RICH, Jesus feels your pain. Truly it can be tr3s difficelle to obey a Neil Young aesthetic when you’re dripping with magik powerz. JC digs hippies and all, but bling is real too yo, specially for a YidBro like me. Worry not mi bro, the prodigal son can have both his LowFiBros and his fatback monies. Somebro has to bring naughty salt to the parti! Just watch and learn from FlushBros like Har Mar and Ronson. Everybrody luvs a winner.

Hi 4 realz spacebro!
I’m a tween babe, just trying to make the right decisions. Prob iz which kind of AltHo to be, or not to be. Therz almost too many alternativez! I mean, should I be a black stockings, ballet shoes and wool-jumper-dress LitHo, or should I be a page-boi, cricket cardie and chinos AndroBro, or maybi a Brookers pimpin hiphop BeotchBro? This choice could critically impact my microbrand over the core years of my likely hotness, best not squander.

Much integrity AltTween

MIA,
Worry not over the tyranny of choice. Christos haz your back. The best part about being an Altween, even sweeter than your intimate knowledge of scene bands, and your hawt JailB8 skinnybod, is yur infinite potential! Uz the next couple of years to try out any number of styles, from Urban Brofitters, to faux thrift, to FUBro, to AmAp. You’ll know when you find the authenic you. Prominent alt bros like Jamie Stewart will ask 4 your digits (lie, he is a cutter), and you will be approached to appear in street fash blogz. Re-member, drop your style at twenty two. Nobro likes an aging AltHo.

LadyBro Christi,
Help me bro, at wits end. My LondonBros and I have bin trying 4eva 2 get featured on the proper bo parti snapz blog ‘Look At This Fookin Hipster‘. We are superhans at failclothes and real seemin’ humiliposes, but nothin’ works. Instead they keep featuring that fat fuck Beaaeeans! W.T Fuckinton! Being safe mocked on LATFHIP is vital for our local scene cred.

Troubled Relentlessly Yo, Having Absolutely Ridiculous Difficulties.

Seems like you’ve asked and answered your own question TRYHARD. A real altbro does not try – he is zen, he rejects the scene that inevitably forms around him. He doesn’t just ‘know’ about sweet outfitz b4 P4K, he ‘jams’ with them. A true AltBro would never be on LATFH, because he would be behind the scenes, weaving his webz, Bro4Life with the BlogBros – picking which pics get featured, and weeping sudz into all the sweet AltPoon who want to make the frontpage! Natch failbro. Why not start a chiptune collective instead? L sign beotch.